Living La Vida Loki

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Cello—Uncyclopedia

The greatest kick of your life, I promise. Most bolded text my own, to emphasize the lie/exaggeration/obvious relevance to moi.

Anybody who plays the cello is an intelligent person who has marvelous taste, and is commonly known as a “cellist” (Note If you want to annoy a cellist, call them a “cello-ist”). Not everyone can play the cello, it takes a great amount of effort and practice to master such regale pieces of wood. Cellists are usually started-off in the 5th or 6th grades. These children are usually good-looking and at the top of their classes. They start like all musicians, with many squeaks and not the best sound, but if they have a good teacher, that usually changes by the first few years. (NOTE Practice helps this process!)

The cello is played by bowing the elegant bow across the strings. Sometimes, a choir of angels will join in with the cellist. Making the world a better place.

Make friends with the cellists. They will always have your back, and be amazing friends. Don’t EVER hurt a cello. Karma’s a bitch, and musical hell isn’t very fun. Always be respectful towards the cellist and their cello. [COUGHCOUGH]

Reasons to choose the cello over the other instruments

• It is the only orchestral string instrument that always gets to sit down
• You can jack off or text behind your cello and the conductor/instructor is none the wiser
• It’s pretty much the most natural instrument to play because the pitches are the right amount of space apart, and your instrument doesn’t totally crush you while you’re playing it
• You can use your cello case to store much bigger weapons than violinists. Sure, those violinists can hide a Chicago Typewriter in theirs, but cellists can fit an entire frakking rocket launcher in their cases.
• You’re pretty much the star of the concert no matter what dynamic you’re supposed to be playing
• People compliment you on your strength for playing and carrying around such a large instrument (even though a cello is, like, three pounds)
• The cello is the only instrument that can actually create wine gums and pieces of rainbow if it is played skilfully enough
• You can use the cello as a weapon and/or trash spear, due to its nicely sharpened retractable steel or carbon fiber endpin

Reasons to choose other instruments over the cello

• Cellos are $$$ expensive as hell $$$, but totally worth it. (Even Yo-Yo Ma can’t afford his cello. He borrows it some from rich collector guy. He a bad, bad man.)
• You can actually learn how to read and play actually melodic music. Unless, of course, you play the viola.
• You don’t need to carry that bulky-ass case around, thus decreasing the chances of you getting beat up by someone cooler than you
• You won’t look as lame playing the drums as you would the cello. Wait… . [you should click this link]
• If you play any other instrument, you have to pay people to be your friends. But all of them will keep begging you to play cello.
• Your taste in music improves exponentially. Most of the time. Some of the time. Rarely.
• Your coolness level increases by less than .01X
• You are able to shamefully tell others what instrument you play.
• There is a slightly higher possibility that you will become a successful musician
• Your mom can actually be proud of you, for once.

• Actually, there’s really no valid reason to not play cello. The previously listed “reasons” are not actually reasons at all. The cello’s a glorious instrument, but so are the other instruments in the orchestra. They musical instruments all uniquely incredible. The cello just happens to be better than all of them.

Crusty, moldy, unfunny jokes at the expense of the jigglers

Q: What’s the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by cello recitals.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the cello recital.

Q: How do you make a jiggler play fortississimo?
A: Write pp espressivo.

Cello: $200,000
Bow: $8000
Case: $2,000
Popping your G-String in the middle of your cello solo: Priceless

As you can see, jigglers are the highest species of musician in the orchestral kingdom. You can see this, because no one can even come up with funny jokes about them. They’re THAT awesome. Out of the orchestra, the violinist is probably the most elegant, and the violist is the funniest. Bass is totally NOT the way to go. They’re awesome people, but that instrument…

Note: It’s basically impossible to pop your G-String, unless you’re a jealous idiot who wants to die (The best way to make a cellist shove their end pin down your throat is by popping any one of their strings. You will die.)

More fun facts

• Playing a rapid musical piece on the cello is known as “Jaw-droppin’” Because you WILL NOT be able to keep your jaw shut as soon as a cellist starts playing sixteenth notes over 105. They’re THAT amazing.

• Cellists are elegant, polite, and ultimately know how to have fun.

• J.S. Bach thought the cello was so magnificent, he wrote it countless solo pieces, as well as excellent parts in chamber and orchestral ensembles.

• Cellists can always tune their cellos to perfection in a timely manner. They always are the best in tune out of the string instruments.
  


• Cellists are always able play off beat and mess up the harmony. But they never do. In fact, cellists keep the strings rhythmically aligned, and mostly in tune.

• 4 out of 5 random everyday people will say that cello is their favorite stringed instrument. Cellos have calmed moods for centuries with their chocolaty tones and velvety sound.